Introspections & Retrospections

A Childhood Memory: The Empty Home

It’s 3AM. I badly need to sleep, but I just sat on the floor by my bed, crying.

I now live in a small rented space, but it just feels as hollow and as lonely as our old childhood home back then – during those years when Mama’s psychiatric conditions were at its worst, and Tatay had to hide me in the emptied house that used to home for our family – and I had to stay hidden, away from the windows, not even allowed to turn on the lights.

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Introspections & Retrospections

Scattered Thoughts & Rainshowers

The news did not came as a shock, but like a distant rumbling of thunders. I stared at the message, not in disbelief or denial; rather, it felt like waking from a bad dream.

Dreams. When was the last time I’ve dreamed of Tatay, or Mama? Dreaming about Tatay and dream-processing the grief and regrets and other stuff would have been bittersweet and cathartic. I never got a chance to even dream about Tatay during the entire funeral.

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Introspections & Retrospections

Hotdog Days of Summer

I stare at the single piece of Purefoods Tender Juicy hotdog on my plate. Sigh. This again, I thought.

I’ve been eating it for several days already, for economic reasons. I mean, heck: for Php180± a kilo, each piece only costs around Php15±; just add fried egg (Php8±) and cooked rice (Php5± per meal), I get to each a decent complete meal for just around Php30! Cheaper than canned sardines, and more filling than instant mami.

It took me 5 days straight of eating hotdogs to start hating it.

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Introspections & Retrospections

This is normal

I went out to throw my trash. Normally, there would be a lot of cats hanging around the garbage area. Today, I suddenly noticed they weren’t around anymore.

Maybe they’ve found a better place to find food.

Or maybe, they’ve become food, a sinister side of me joked.

I sighed, and opened my wallet. And laughed. A few more weeks of this quarantine, and that joke might actually prove itself half-meant.

I guess nothing really changed after all.

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#covid19
Introspections & Retrospections

Masks

I woke up at around 9AM. It was a bright and gloomy day. It’s a Sunday — normally, I’d go to church, see my girlfriend, experience some social life. Yay.

But not today.

It’s DAY ONE of the Metro Manila 30-day community quarantine (a fanciful way of saying ‘lockdown’). Living in Cavite, my girlfriend strongly suggested I look for a place outside of Metro Manila, so we can still see each other. I wanted to. I’ve strongly considered it. But I can’t. Even if it’s just for a month, I couldn’t afford it. It’s only for a month, I reassured her, though to be honest, I was trying to console myself.

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Introspections & Retrospections

Make Believe

The empty playground, once alive, now felt nothing more than a graveyard of childhood memories. Haunting echoes of children’s laughter, squeals, and cries faded in and out of my consciousness.

The playground once was a symbol of freedom, of life — a magical place that used to promise friendship, games, endless summer afternoons dripping in sweat. But like all other forms of magic, it faded as well. Seasons of corrosion have rusted both the metal bars and neighborly relationships.

But not really.

Maybe, the magic still lives on, but elsewhere.

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