The sudden bouts of loneliness and depression have been more frequent lately. Maybe it’s because of my own frustrations, disappointments and lack of attention or the need to be appreciated, or even simply recognized. Or the conflict of having this desire to be noticed, loved, missed, remembered — yet keeping myself from expressing it, out of fear of being over-demanding, or simply being too possessive… and I don’t even have that right.
Maybe I expect too much from giving too much. Yes, I guess I am selfish. Does that mean I should stop being kind, being generous, being caring — because I do these with self-feeding motives? It is also from this conflict that I find myself torn: should I stop doing the things I do because it comes from the wrong heart, or should I push myself to do these things because it started with good intentions, and possibly towards a pure future?
What makes it all hard is the loneliness. That psychological isolation. Trying to communicate, nobody bothering to care or listen. Just being branded as “emo”, or “drama” or something along those lines. Maybe I am. Yet as much as I try to not be “emo” or “drama”, it creates even more conflict — forcing myself to wrench emotions and twist them to what they’re not. And in the deepest recess of my thoughts and dreams, it haunts me even more darkly. For one can only lie to one’s own self for so long without distorting their own reflection, corrupting their self-perspective, creating a monster.
What do I really want? I realize that desire is dangerous, a wild beast. Untamed, its hunger and appetite can be insatiable. Will I be satisfied once I receive what I long for? Or will I just want more, and more, and more? It’s easy to claim of simple desires; but desire is never simple.
What makes us desire something? Is it the possibility of it being within reach? Is it the mere pleasure of its idea? Is it the challenge of having something you somehow know will never be? Is it simply envy, jealousy, or the thought of deserving what others have?
It’s funny how desires vary from one person to another. One wants peace, another wants a fight. One wishes for simple things, another aspires for grand dreams. One desires for love, another sadly longs for death. And for those who live with both extremes of a contradictory desire, it is inevitable to feel and suffer in loneliness and depression. A loneliness of wishing to be understood, yet expecting to be misunderstood or simply not heard at all. And a depression that one will be understood too well, and with that understanding — be judged, be mocked, be pitied, be left alone.
As a Christian, I know how much Christ loves me and cares for me, how He will never leave me nor forsake me. But as a human being, I know how afraid and alone I feel and see. For as much as my faith in Christ remains solid, my fragile humanity betray me through the empirical facts that my senses tell me.
So I try to tread lightly between this narrow path of my desires: a desire to live for God as He expects and trusts that I can, and this trivial desire as another person. For as much as I want to die to myself so I can freely live for Him, I have yet to learn the patience not to murder this very individual whom God has ransomed for His own. It is not an easy task, nor will it be a quick one: it may very well be the cross I will have to bear with in this life, the very cross on which one day I may be nailed to for the world to see what I truly and despicably am… and only hope that on that day, I will find Him nailed beside me, whispering: “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”